Every Yes is Also a No
Choosing what matters over what's urgent or easy
“I’ll be less busy when _____.”
When I decided to take a career break, I thought that subtracting paid work from my schedule would give me more spaciousness for all the other things I wanted to do in my life.
But I still found myself constantly busy.
And my busyness was comprised mainly of the mundane tasks that repeat every day. Chores, errands, meal prep. I often found that, at the end of the day, I had somehow avoided the one thing I really meant to accomplish, like a bigger project. My days were full, but what had I actually done?
If I’m constantly looking ahead to the next item on the list, I miss out on the chance to be present and intentional in the moment.
Now, don’t get me wrong. A lil’ busyness can be a good thing. I like being energized and accomplishing goals. Long stretches of “nothing to do” don’t suit me, and I don’t think that’s a flaw. That sense of fullness feels good to me at this point in life. But if I don’t set my priorities, I will default to what’s most urgent, easiest, or by reacting to others’ requests for my time. Clear, defined tasks give me a quick hit of accomplishment but don’t build a meaningful life.
Whether my work is paid or unpaid, what matters is whether my time connects to what I value.
So, instead of jumping to the next item on my to-do list, I’m learning to ask: Does this align with my values? That is, I want to get clear on my values so that I can set priorities according to those values and spend my time mainly on things that align with those values. That shift—choosing rather than reacting—gives me back a sense of control. I can delegate, outsource, or let go of tasks that don’t align with those values, or change the nature of tasks to help them align better (like folding laundry with playfulness, or pairing dishes with an audiobook).
Boundaries begin with values
Let me start with a caveat: I am far from an expert on this. I’m only just starting to learn what boundary-setting means and to unpack the pervasive and subtle influence of gendered expectations on my actions. If you’re anything like me, welcome. Let’s learn together. If you’re farther along on this journey: please share your wisdom! I’d love to learn from you.
Boundaries come from understanding your own needs and values1. You get clear on what’s important to you, then communicate that to others. Boundary-setting is about aligning your decisions with your values so that you say yes to things that are values-aligned and no to things that aren’t. These “yes” and “no” moments can be obvious, like requests of your time at work, or they can be subtle, like the ways people treat you in close relationships.
But, as my sister Monica shares, “The hard thing about boundaries is that they are actually just requests of other people. We make them boundaries by changing our own behavior when someone doesn’t adhere to [our] request.” Maintaining a boundary means we have to follow through on our own promises to ourselves. We can’t change other people’s behavior. We can only change our own.
Boundaries aren’t about changing others. They’re about keeping promises to ourselves.
If setting boundaries means saying yes to things that align with our values and no to things that don’t, it will help to get really clear with ourselves on what those values are. So I did a values card sort. It’s a pretty fun activity and I’ve enjoyed discussing my values with others and learning what theirs are.
What matters most: My values right now
Here are some of my top values in this season of life:
Prioritizing my time for these things:
Nurturing my relationships and being open to developing new ones
Giving my children opportunities to learn and grow
Taking care of my physical and mental health
Engaging in meaningful work
Ways I want to show up:
With playfulness and spontaneity in daily life
Finding pleasure and delight in everyday small moments
Valuing creativity and appreciating art and beauty in its many forms
Challenging myself and learning new things
Being flexible and open to change
With authenticity, being honest with others and myself
All time counts
Some of these values can be met by the way I show up, like approaching the task of folding laundry with playfulness, or creating a small ritual out of an everyday event — say, pausing to savor and appreciate the pattern milk makes in my coffee or the goodbye to my kids when I drop them off at school2. Others might be met by temptation bundling3 — doing something high-value, like listening to a book, while doing a repetitive manual task like laundry or dishes.
Getting clear on my values is useful because there will always be multiple things competing for my time. Keeping these values in mind can guide what I say yes to and what I don’t.
The power of a “hell yes”
What’s shifted most is that I now see all time as equal—not “work” versus “home” time. Saying yes to one thing always means saying no to something else. So instead of filling my calendar reactively, I want to be proactive: only saying yes when something clearly connects to my values, or when I can reframe it so it does. It means not simply saying yes to something because I have nothing else scheduled at that time. It means leaving space open for possibility and spontaneity.
This helps me avoid the lukewarm yes—the kind that feels fine at the time but leaves me wanting to bail later. When my yes is a “hell yes,” rooted in values, it’s easier to follow through with consistency and integrity.
I have lunch with my dad every week. Spending time with him might mean I don’t have time to tidy the toy train tracks off my living room floor, but that’s okay. Even though I get a sense of peace from a clean and tidy house, it’s not one of my top values. It’s not something I want to prioritize. My connection with my dad is.
Every yes is also a no—to something else I might have wanted more.
Coming up: Returning to work
This writing project originated in my desire to share my experiences with taking a break from paid work. In my next post, I’ll share how these values are shaping my decision about when (and whether) to return to paid work.
Lakshmin, P. (2023). Real self-care: A transformative program for redefining wellness (crystals, cleanses, and bubble baths not included). Penguin Life.
Norton, M. I. (2024). The ritual effect: From habit to ritual, harness the surprising power of everyday actions. Scribner.
Milkman, K. L. (2021). How to change: The science of getting from where you are to where you want to be. Portfolio/Penguin.